i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Green mimosas i think yes
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
