i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
