Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
