Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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