the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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