Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
