Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Drake has all the answers
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
