Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
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I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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