he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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