Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
