someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
