What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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