I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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