Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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