so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
