nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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