This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is Oprah even human
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
