Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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