turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
