i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
bring money and cleavage
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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