you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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