she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
