I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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