2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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