I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
