the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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