Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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