Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
