your parents love me but you hate me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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