I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
