Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
