you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There's always time for handjobs
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
