Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
