the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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