Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
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nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
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Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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