If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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