Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
