I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
