if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
