the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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