Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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