Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
