I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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