Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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