maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
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