ya dads aren't the best wingmen
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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