I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
