um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
