wrigley field is MILF paradise
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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