I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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