Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
