tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
