yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
