we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
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I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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