If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
