New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
