It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
