Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So much rum. So many feels.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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