She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
