Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Everyone says I win the strip club
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
