i just had sex bonerless
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
